Unmentionable Thoughts

Do you think if people knew how their behavior affected someone they would choose to act differently?


Have you ever had someone reach out to you, but you decided to be a btch cause you were feeling extra special that day?

Have you ever had someone reach out to you with love and you treat them like they were nothing but the muck underneath your shoe?

People are quick to want to be back in your life but never have the same urgency when the shoe is on the other foot.

All my life i have extended a hand out, forgiven those that broke my soul, put others ahead of my God and each time ….


When did being pure, giving of yourself, when did honest become needy? When did showing your scars become too much or whiney? When did we lose love?


In more ways I understand suicide, and in more ways I fell through it,and even now I sense it, my old friend……..


………… and still never will those who felt better thn me when they aren’t. never will they understand that maybe, just maybe if they let go of their ego, if they choose to stop being superficial  maybe they could have saved my soul.


But they don’t and to live in a world so beaten seems not worth the hurt.



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Sometimes death isn’t the final play


I sometimes wonder why even though one tries so hard, even though you get hurt and still try, everyone disappoints you, breaks you, lies to you…..

You ever have friends who did the worst to you and you still let them back in but when you do something simple like take time for you they act like their manna and you must beg for them to fed you their sweet nectar?

You ever have someone accuse you of being a bitch because you defended yourself and when you let your guard down with them cause you’re trying not to be a b**ch they hurt you even worse than before?

You ever have someone shut you out because they asked for honesty and when you gave it to them, when you became vulnerable with them they term you as being to needy or judge you for your honesty?

You ever have someone cross a boundary and have them laugh it off like you’re the one with the problem and when you address the issue all of a sudden you’re up tight and need to loosen?

You ever have all this happen and still you find yourself  trying yet again with the people who broke you or didn’t care or who did the worse only for them to shut you out even more when you never do that to them?

Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of it all, even though you try, even though you put your pride aside whats the point of this life when it just gets thrown back in your face in end?

That’s why its just a lonely b**chy world but lately it just feels like its not meant to be my world anymore but what do I know right. I’m just a b**ch who cant seem to get it right.


i’m so tired but i am trying so hard not to be otherwise the darkness can take me.

A Street Car Named Shoshana

I loved the city lights, even when they didn’t shine so bright.

My mama always said I lived for the shiny lights

even as a child

my eyes shone so bright


 I would often watch her as she swayed

painting her lips red as she prayed

eyes up yet shut to the men who played

yes played her game

so she could get her sweet way


I loved the night life that was always awake, awake with the secrets of those who lived in the grey.

Yes, I  would watch mama as she swayed

to later on find my on play

Set the scene in the old grey

I found my first prey,  yes prey

at the tender ripe age a lady should never say


You see, he was a john

who was unlike the norm

he had the mighty throne

that was all of his own

and as the night turned to grey

I found my subconscious give way

And there in the abiss I heard mama pray

“My sweet Shoshana who is bright as day,

I hope you never have to paint your face,”