I sometimes wonder why even though one tries so hard, even though you get hurt and still try, everyone disappoints you, breaks you, lies to you…..
You ever have friends who did the worst to you and you still let them back in but when you do something simple like take time for you they act like their manna and you must beg for them to fed you their sweet nectar?
You ever have someone accuse you of being a bitch because you defended yourself and when you let your guard down with them cause you’re trying not to be a b**ch they hurt you even worse than before?
You ever have someone shut you out because they asked for honesty and when you gave it to them, when you became vulnerable with them they term you as being to needy or judge you for your honesty?
You ever have someone cross a boundary and have them laugh it off like you’re the one with the problem and when you address the issue all of a sudden you’re up tight and need to loosen?
You ever have all this happen and still you find yourself trying yet again with the people who broke you or didn’t care or who did the worse only for them to shut you out even more when you never do that to them?
Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of it all, even though you try, even though you put your pride aside whats the point of this life when it just gets thrown back in your face in end?
That’s why its just a lonely b**chy world but lately it just feels like its not meant to be my world anymore but what do I know right. I’m just a b**ch who cant seem to get it right.
i’m so tired but i am trying so hard not to be otherwise the darkness can take me.
I loved the city lights, even when they didn’t shine so bright.
My mama always said I lived for the shiny lights
even as a child
my eyes shone so bright
I would often watch her as she swayed
painting her lips red as she prayed
eyes up yet shut to the men who played
yes played her game
so she could get her sweet way
I loved the night life that was always awake, awake with the secrets of those who lived in the grey.
Yes, I would watch mama as she swayed
to later on find my on play
Set the scene in the old grey
I found my first prey, yes prey
at the tender ripe age a lady should never say
You see, he was a john
who was unlike the norm
he had the mighty throne
that was all of his own
and as the night turned to grey
I found my subconscious give way
And there in the abiss I heard mama pray
“My sweet Shoshana who is bright as day,
I hope you never have to paint your face,”
Winter seemed to have come and stayed, and I was simply its prey.
I traveled the lonely road, often finding solace in the old. You see my sweet song, as the night would fall, and my eyes would close, I drifted off.
Drifted into a slumber filled with the warmth of summer. Of the sun on my skin, his hands around me and the vague taste of cigarettes on his lips. I drifted to a time when I felt complete.
I was unusual as a child you see. Grew up with the devil between my thighs and a mama who feared for my life. As she would pray over my flesh each day and night, all I saw was the sweet freedom of the open road that called with each sigh.
So the years passed and I finally found sweet home on the road at last. Yes, my sweet song, sweet home that always seemed not to last long. But even as the liquor seduced me and their freedom carried me, I couldn’t help but pray for my sins just like mama had made me.
You see, winter seemed to have come and my lips seemed to miss his sweet tongue and even as I laid their bare, letting the night air carry me there, still I prayed to thee,
“Father forgive me you see, I know you approve not of these thoughts inside me, but I must be, yes be with this sweet release, as I wait for his sweet summer to come and carry me.”