I am starting this thing where I kinda read the bible for a minute to see if what I read coincides with my spiritual beliefs. Call it a test of some sort so bear with me.
“If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not [speak] the truth”
I had a discussion with a friend not so long ago where they, in a sense, did not want to hear of the negative aspects of my past. To me, this was down right rude.
This is why.
For a long time I believed that if you were to connect with someone, be it a friend or a lover, you should do so wholeheartedly. By doing this you show that you trust them with the most vulnerable parts of your being, as well as let them in to see the things that shaped you into who you are now.
For a long time I was of this belief.
So after that discussion where I was offended that they refused or preferred not to hear of those things, you could say in a sense a wall was erected by the subconscious. As humans, it’s only normal to have a defense up, even subconsciously.
So imagine my surprise as I begin my ‘bible study’ to find that: Hey, maybe they weren’t wrong in their feeling after all.
Being more spiritually inclined rather then religiously, I like to say that I dwell in the light having given up my darkness (past) to live in the present, where peace, joy, and love dwell. But still, when trying to connect with someone, I still manifested the darkness in the present.
So I ask myself: If I had truly forgiven, let it go, moved on and so forth wouldn’t I then not need that to paint a picture of who I am now?
If I truly am in fellowship with the universe/ him/ she/ the entity that is, then wouldn’t only my present me, my light, that which is good be what should infinitely define me if I truly have let go of that which isn’t a part of me?
Wouldn’t we all be able to wake up in the morning without any form of negative feelings just a joy (light) for the day and a happy fascination with every human we meet and every job we tackle even though we have been in the same situation time.
It feels like then to live truly and freely, you don’t need to bring up the negative or witness such things that are of that nature. By doing, by rebooting and truly letting go, we then give ourselves the opportunity to live free of judgments, past thoughts, opinions, memories, basically we hmmmm I know what I want to say but I just don’t know how to say it.
Maybe this language isn’t enough or maybe i’m just daydreaming.
I don’t know but it’s been an interesting thought.
**Additional thought: do you think by saying to live in the light and not the darkness it means to stop living in our thoughts/ mind (darkness/ that which can’t be see) and rather live in the light / the present/ that which we see and can touch can feel because the first verse of that chapter says “that which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our own eyes, which we have looked upon and our hands have handled, of the word of life” is that what it all means? hmmmm**
To be continued….
As he stood, the world shook.
My body called out to his with an intensity I had never felt within. He straightened his shirt, picked up his phone and headed for the door.
No final goodbye, just a back for me to watch, and so he walked on as my heart froze. Froze in time, begging for me to take it all back just because. Froze in time hoping that all was not lost among the lies.
He walked as images that once lived flashed through my mind looking for a moment that could save this in time. He walked as tears silently crept down my face as I acted brave, ha brave, even though that was not quite the case.
He stopped at the door and in that instance I thought maybe I should not go at it alone. But what is alone, if I was to follow all that I’ve known?
He stopped at the door and my body begged, begged me to stop. Stop the madness, she called and just go with what was known. But the words shot so clearly in front of my thoughts as that that is unknown unclothed: ‘If you love something you shall let it go”.
And so I fought back with control hoping that if he did love he would find home once more.
He stopped at the door, the crack of the door rang into my soul, should I give him a hug then I thought but he was already gone before I could finish my final thought.
With two steps out the door I instantly broke down from what i’d lost.
“My little chirping bird, why are you here?” I begged of Mata as her red lips trembled and her hands reached out to a past memory.
For as long as the years had passed, time seemed not to have touched Mata’s delicate frame. Her white face still glistened with the innocence of youth and her doe eyes were still ripe with the curiosity of life that had led Mother to call her that.
My little chirping bird.
Yes, years had passed since our first encounter at the orphanage, but even so, our familiarity was still as fresh as the snow beneath our feet.
“General please, you must listen to me.”
“Anna was the leak. She had orchestrated the entire plan from the start.”
She would talk to me for hours on end about her dreams and I would regale her with tales about a life I couldn’t quiet now see.
As children we were inseparable yes, but the war came and with that, we found, it exposed the true nature of humans all around.
“..she had grown bored of the american life you see, and was often calling home anxious for our forgiveness, anxious for our love just like Mother said she would be.”
The war came and with that our path took separate lanes.
I never really knew what led to our separation but after the war ended and they heard I was to wed the enemy, everything changed.
“What is all this Anna? Who is this woman? What is she saying” Harry asked hurridely as my eyes focused on Mata as she inched closer and closer towards me.
We had spoken on the phone, yes, every now and then, yes, but never did I get the feeling that we were at odds, never.
My little chirping bird.
“You left us Anna….”
“….you left your family for a country that choose to kill your own blood, didn’t you my little krysa……
…. and now before your death, I shall relish the look in your eyes as that happiness fades away, just as mine did when Mother laid in my arms dying. She told me you know…That it was you all along. It was you who had given up our location.”
“Mata what are you talking ….”
“Shhhh my little krysa, shhh. As Mother would say ‘ kill the krysa before it multiples & destroys everything’ I have done my duty and now your bastard child will grow up an orphan just as you did. She’ll feel the…..”
The soldiers positioned themselves and took their shots.
First at the fair, red lipped lady that stood next to Anna, then at her and Harry, both of them dropping to the cold ground that would soon house their remains.
“General, sir, you’re wounded let me take a look at that.”
I later came to find out that their was no plot against us but there was one being hatched against the beautiful Anna Anton by the striking Mata Shashenka in honor of Mother, one of the most influential leaders of the sleeper cell organization, JPG.
As they say, “Once a rat, always a rat.”
As the rain began to pour and Harry contemplated what the general had said, he looked back at his wife and daughter sitting in the car behind him and slowly he began to weep.
He had met the beautiful Anna close to two years ago in Russia right before the war ended. There love, I believed, was one that would have been ordinary if not for the situation at hand. What was that situation at hand you ask?
Well to put it bluntly, she worked for the enemy and he made a living killing them.
“Bloody hell Harry, did you hear what i just said…. You have to kill her now Harry, it’s the only way your daughter won’t end up an orphan.”
A couple of months after their encounter in the field, the war ended and they got married in a little town outside Saint Petersburg and just like the movies, their little marisol arrived.
Yes, the war was over but the paranoia had never left.
While love bloomed, word had gotten out that a few of the Russian sleeper agents in America had been activated and the truce that had been was just but a ploy for an attack that would come in the following months. And as the dice rolled all eyes landed on Anna as intel confirmed she was one of the activated.
“Snap out of it Harry! Do it now before they get here.”
Harry rushed to his car, took out Anna and pointed the gun at her face and right before he pulled the trigger, just as Anna mouthed that she loved him always I knew I couldn’t remain hidden anymore.
“STOP! For Christs sake stop all of this!.”
“Anna my darling will you ever forgive me?” I implored of her “I know it’s been years and to meet you under such circumstances…I …you…Anna will you forgive me?