I loved the city lights, even when they didn’t shine so bright.
My mama always said I lived for the shiny lights
even as a child
my eyes shone so bright
I would often watch her as she swayed
painting her lips red as she prayed
eyes up yet shut to the men who played
yes played her game
so she could get her sweet way
I loved the night life that was always awake, awake with the secrets of those who lived in the grey.
Yes, I would watch mama as she swayed
to later on find my on play
Set the scene in the old grey
I found my first prey, yes prey
at the tender ripe age a lady should never say
You see, he was a john
who was unlike the norm
he had the mighty throne
that was all of his own
and as the night turned to grey
I found my subconscious give way
And there in the abiss I heard mama pray
“My sweet Shoshana who is bright as day,
I hope you never have to paint your face,”
a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.“a boost to my ego”
PSYCHOANALYSISthe part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
PHILOSOPHY(in metaphysics) a conscious thinking subject.
I read an interesting thought yesterday that went something like, “animals are devoid of ego, which in turn means they do not think about their inadequacies: they feel everything intensely & that determines their action”
That, in my imaginative state, took my mind to so many places. From my interactions with the human race, one could say that a lot of people could use several seats : D ( * B**CH mode activated) .
Why couldn’t we, in some ways, adapt this animalistic nature to how we dealt with each other?
As my mind flew away, I thought about the years that have passed and how much I have grown and the things I have learnt.
In some ways, one could say, most of the intense emotions individuals displayed, were that of anger. While when it came to more demure emotions like love, one would find that people rarely, if ever freely, displayed it.
For a long time we live like this and later on find, that maybe the things that we lack when growing up or the circumstances that alter our subconscious, later on turn into the ego trigger that we have when we are a bit older.
I, for example, was proud of the fact that I had an ego the size of a planet when I was younger. I confess that now, maybe, its still there, but one could say, it has shrunk, just a little bit, in size 😀 (see, ego!).
Ego: The Protector
Ego, for me, made people respect me and to some extent it still does when the bear has been poked one too many times.
Ego was there for me when I needed to dismiss the popcockery of someone putting me in a box and it helped me attack those that I felt were a threat to me or those I loved.
In a sense it was my shield against a world that I didn’t really fit into.
Ego, I find, helps us get in control of the ‘inadequacies’ the world has fed us.
There are, of course, other ways ego can pop up for people:
- The Defender : Always having to be right; one who is guilty of dichotomous thinking
- The Controller : The need to be in control to ensure your safety; emotional discomfort is a sign you are out of alignment
- The Shield-er : Anything that threatens ones self concept must be shut down; Has a hard time taking a joke
There are many forms with which your ego, or those of others, manifests itself. Can you pinpoint some?
Ego: Using The Voices To Your Benefit
If seen from a different perspective, I believe ego can help us, if we choose to nurture it rather than extinguish it.
If, for example, I didn’t have my ‘b**tch mode activate” switch 😀 I would be stuck in a place I know I wouldn’t want to be.
If we used, for example emotional intelligence to see our own inadequacies, we could use ego in ways that are more appropriate and gentle in nature.
Fact, emotional Intelligence helps with:
- Self awareness
- Self regulation
- Social Skills
Therefore if we used EQ and tamed our ego by better understanding the intricate workings of our own subconscious, if we connected to the God within and accepted the demons that live, I believe ego would no longer be a b**ch threat but rather that b**chy friend over there that you can’t live without 😀 .
…….but then again what do I know with all the ifs I could just be day dreaming 😀
*Thoughts expressed here are just that, thoughts. Please feel free to share yours, lets chat :)*
Females, oh how I observe them wandering the Nairobi streets. All dolled up, freshly cleaned and put together. Then I catch a glimpse of myself as I pass a shop window and I stop in my tracks.
When I was younger I always wanted to be like those women, sophisticated, put together and all that jazz, but at first, I was a tomboy. Mostly cause I was chubby like the sun is round but let’s not go there 😀
Then, all of a sudden, my tits popped out (far to early for me to care about), I accidentally shat myself to later find out to my dismay that it was the pms monster and that is when it was declared that I was a woman. (*rolls eyes)
One, or rather, I was never prepared to be one of a those you know.. I still wanted to play with the boys, roll around in the mud but when sweet all womanhood shows up and grown ups draw those imaginary lines in your childlike mind, you got to go with the rules that be.
So you grow, you ‘style up’ and you mature into this beautiful woman ripe for the taking…. well that was never me.
I think I stopped ageing at like twenty.
It was like at some point I just said F*** it, I’m going to be forever young (I’d like to take this moment to thank melanin and my parents for such great genes 😀 ) .
At this point it seemed my internal clock stopped but I was still plagued with this image of what a woman should look and act like.
So I observed what other women (who seemed popular with the opposite sex ) were doing, namely:
- I straightened my hair
- Started wearing make up
- Going to do my nails (though I will be honest, I have only done this two times in my life, I’m thrify AF so [ do my own gad damn nails like a pro and able bodied person)
- I started frequenting the mating grounds with friends to display the goodies God gave me
I did it all and by the age of 24 I gave up.
I remember I had one particular friend at the time that I would call the black MerIlyn Monroe. She was the quintessential ‘woman’ to me.
She was proper, she was soft spoken, gasped if you said one curse word, she was so put together that I was in awe and tried to emulate her, but you can’t tame a wild animal like I 😀
Funny enough she had a twin who was the complete opposite of her but her twin was still more put together then I ever was. Now that’s life, eh!
So when the good o gal, 24, rolled around, I removed myself from the hold of society and recoiled into me. This was done in an effort to truly find out who I was without the assumptions, judgments, like & dislikes of others, and what I found …….still confuses me 😀
I am put together but not in the sense of ‘I have my life all planned out’ I still leave that to God/Ra/She/Universe. I mean, I am not married let alone in a relationship, I do not dress all prim and proper and matter of fact I am known to have that ‘homeless’ (hippie) look with a hint of ‘child-like’ tendencies. My hair rarely sees a comb let alone a straightener and goes from long to short in a span of minutes.
I am rough around the edges, Lord knows I am.
For example, unlike ladies who would excuse themselves to go fart in a far away land far from their mate or be all shocked when a guy farts in front of them, I see it as a challenge to see who has the best farts in town 😀
When the man releases his fart (which i seem to find is a thing guys feel very comfortable doing in front of me; even giving it to me as a present :D) I prepare my ass and release mine as well and we laugh and laugh about it then after a few months, I am single and they are dating Americas next top model 😀 but I digress 😀 😀
I do not hold my tongue for I don’t see why we cannot all be honest, I do not let things slide, I do not let the man have control over me (But this can be discussed in the right situations 😉 😀 Please don’t judge me).
I speak my mind, I speak my truth but most of all I expect the same from man himself.
I am very many things as you can see but this is not Tinder so I don’t need to list them all down so you swipe right for me 😀
All I’m saying is that as I walk down the street and I catch a glimpse of me, I stop, smile and remember how banging of a b**ch I am cause there is them, and there is ME!