There are ladies than there is me

Females, oh how I observe them wandering the Nairobi streets. All dolled up, freshly cleaned and put together. Then I catch a glimpse of myself as I pass a shop window and I stop in my tracks.

When I was younger I always wanted to be like those women, sophisticated, put together and all that jazz, but at first, I was a tomboy. Mostly cause I was chubby like the sun is round but let’s not go there 😀

Then, all of a sudden, my tits popped out (far to early for me to care about), I accidentally shat myself to later find out to my dismay that it was the pms monster and that is when it was declared that I was a woman. (*rolls eyes)

One, or rather, I was never prepared to be one of a those you know.. I still wanted to play with the boys, roll around in the mud but when sweet all womanhood shows up and grown ups draw those imaginary lines in your childlike mind, you got to go with the rules that be.

So you grow, you ‘style up’ and you mature into this beautiful woman ripe for the taking…. well that was never me.

I think I stopped ageing at like twenty.

It was like at some point I just said F*** it, I’m going to be forever young (I’d like to take this moment to thank melanin and my parents for such great genes 😀 ) .

At this point it seemed my internal clock stopped but I was still plagued with this image of what a woman should look and act like.

So I observed what other women (who seemed popular with the opposite sex ) were doing, namely:

  • I straightened my hair
  • Started wearing make up
  • Going to do my nails (though I will be honest, I have only done this two times in my life, I’m thrify AF so [ do my own gad damn nails like a pro and able bodied person)
  • I started frequenting the mating grounds with friends to display the goodies God gave me

 

I did it all and by the age of 24 I gave up.

I remember I had one particular friend at the time that I would call the black MerIlyn Monroe. She was the quintessential ‘woman’ to me.

She was proper, she was soft spoken, gasped if you said one curse word, she was so put together that I was in awe and tried to emulate her, but you can’t tame a wild animal like I 😀

Funny enough she had a twin who was the complete opposite of her but her twin was still more put together then I ever was. Now that’s life, eh!

So when the good o gal, 24, rolled around, I removed myself from the hold of society and recoiled into me. This was done in an effort to truly find out who I was without the assumptions, judgments, like & dislikes of others, and what I found …….still confuses me 😀

I am put together but not in the sense of ‘I have my life all planned out’ I still leave that to God/Ra/She/Universe. I mean, I am not married let alone in a relationship, I do not dress all prim and proper and matter of fact I am known to have that ‘homeless’ (hippie) look with a hint of  ‘child-like’ tendencies. My hair rarely sees a comb let alone a straightener and goes from long to short in a span of minutes.

I am rough around the edges, Lord knows I am.

For example, unlike ladies who would excuse themselves to go fart in a far away land far from their mate or be all shocked when a guy farts in front of them, I see it as a challenge to see who has the best farts in town 😀

When the man releases his fart (which i seem to find is a thing guys feel very comfortable doing in front of me; even giving it to me as a present :D) I prepare my ass and release mine as well and we laugh and laugh about it then after a few months, I am single and they are dating Americas next top model 😀 but I digress 😀 😀

I do not hold my tongue for I don’t see why we cannot all be honest, I do not let things slide, I do not let the man have control over me (But this can be discussed in the right situations 😉 😀 Please don’t judge me).

I speak my mind, I speak my truth but most of all I expect the same from man himself.

I am very many things as you can see but this is not Tinder so I don’t need to list them all down so you swipe right for me 😀

All I’m saying is that as I walk down the street and I catch a glimpse of me, I stop, smile and remember how banging of a b**ch I am cause there is them, and there is ME!

 

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Dating is a B**CH

You know what, i absolutely hate dating, it is the b**ch of all b**ches and here is why.

You meet this being that knows nothing about you but after a few minutes of them passing judgments (often then not in their heads) , they proceed to tell you what is good for you by saying something like, i am bad for you, or i know what you need and it is not me, yet you just met them a minute ago!

I find it funny how a complete stranger can claim to know whats. If that would be the case then one is made to that the stranger lived that said life waaaaaayyyyy before the individual who is living that life ever knew it existed.

To assume that one would know whats good for the other without spending sufficient time with the person is complete poppy cock. They say it takes close to 5 years for an individual to develop repeated tendencies but it also takes the same amount of time for said individual to evolve to their next higher self, so how would one draw judgments on something that is not constant?

We often put assumptions on people thinking that we are protecting them, more so men then women, but that is my opinion. This can be clearly seen during the dating period. Think of all the excuses you have been given to stop the process. I can name a few:

  • I’ll ruin you
  • I don’t think its  good idea for this to happen ,i’m no good
  • Trust me I know what’s best
  • You deserve better than me
  • I didn’t want to break you…………………I didn’t want to break you? What sort of forkery is that!

I hate when men assume I am a weak little flower that will die if they speak the truth to me. I never understood that thought process to be honest and to justify lying with it in an effort to make me take on the guilt is even worse.

By the way what is this I’m no good for you thing? Did guys send a text to each other saying we shall now fool them with this fokery lol 😀 I don’t get it. Again women aren’t as weak as men may think but also why do men think they are the only ones that do ‘bad’ things?

And the way they say bad you would think they’ve robbed a bank or something only to find that one drunken night they pissed on the side of the road 😀 calm your balls down is what I say.

Women do ‘bad’ things, we just know how to put our crazy in a cute little box, with a  deep red bow (color choice varies from crazy to crazy 😀 ) tucked away in the back of our closets only to come out when the crazy needs to be released, or I’m the only free sprinted female around?

Anyway, yeah i don’t value dating anymore. It would seem everyone has created these fables of who a person is before they even meet them and that, to me, defeats the whole point of dating.

…but then again I still love my b**ch so may one day i’ll give it a shot.

As he stood, the world shook.

My body called out to his with an intensity I had never felt within. He straightened his shirt, picked up his phone and headed for the door.

No final goodbye, just a back for me to watch, and so he walked on as my heart froze. Froze in time, begging for me to take it all back just because. Froze in time hoping that all was not lost among the lies.

He walked as images that once lived flashed through my mind looking for a moment that could save this in time. He walked as tears silently crept down my face as I acted brave, ha brave, even though that was not quite the case.

He stopped at the door and in that instance I thought maybe I should not go at it alone. But what is alone, if I was to follow all that I’ve known?

He stopped at the door and my body begged, begged me to stop. Stop the madness, she called and just go with what was known. But the words shot so clearly in front of my thoughts as that that is unknown unclothed: ‘If you love something you shall let it go”.

And so I fought back with control hoping that if he did love he would find home once more.

He stopped at the door, the crack of the door rang into my soul, should I give him a hug then I thought but he was already gone before I could finish my final thought.

With two steps out the door I instantly broke down from what i’d lost.

Final Part

“My little chirping bird, why are you here?” I begged of Mata as her red lips trembled and her hands reached out to a past memory.

For as long as the years had passed, time seemed not to have touched Mata’s delicate frame. Her white face still glistened with the innocence of youth and her doe eyes were still ripe with the curiosity of life that had led Mother to call her that.

My little chirping bird.

Yes, years had passed since our first encounter at the orphanage, but even so, our familiarity was still as fresh as the snow beneath our feet.

“General please, you must listen to me.”

“Mata….”

“Anna…”

“Mata …”

“Anna was the leak. She had orchestrated the entire plan from the start.”

She would talk to me for hours on end about her dreams and I would regale her with tales about a life I couldn’t quiet now see.

As children we were inseparable yes, but the war came and with that, we found, it exposed the true nature of humans all around.

“..she had grown bored of the american life you see, and was often calling home anxious for our forgiveness, anxious for our love just like Mother said she would be.”

The war came and with that our path took separate lanes.

I never really knew what led to our separation but after the war ended and they heard I was to wed the enemy, everything changed.

“What is all this Anna? Who is this woman? What is she saying” Harry asked hurridely as my eyes focused on Mata as she inched closer and closer towards me.

We had spoken on the phone, yes, every now and then, yes, but never did I get the feeling that we were at odds, never.

My little chirping bird.

“You left us Anna….”

“Mata…”

“….you left your family for a country that choose to kill your own blood, didn’t you my little krysa……

(snickers)

…. and now before your death, I shall relish the look in your eyes as that happiness fades away, just as mine did when Mother laid in my arms dying. She told me you know…That it was you all along. It was you who had given up our location.”

“Mata what are you talking ….”

“Shhhh my little krysa, shhh. As Mother would say ‘ kill the krysa before it multiples & destroys everything’ I have done my duty and now your bastard child will grow up an orphan just as you did. She’ll feel the…..”

………………..

The soldiers positioned themselves and took their shots.

First at the fair, red lipped lady that stood next to Anna, then at her and Harry, both of them dropping to the cold ground that would soon house their remains.

“General, sir, you’re wounded let me take a look at that.”

………………….

I later came to find out that their was no plot against us but there was one being hatched against the beautiful Anna Anton by the striking Mata Shashenka in honor of Mother, one of the most influential leaders of the sleeper cell organization, JPG.

As they say, “Once a rat, always a rat.”